Let's Keep It Civil

I remember the day as if it was yesterday. It was a hot summer afternoon. I had received a call the evening before from a couple needing some help dealing with a conflict issue.

I asked them if it would work for me to stop by and visit with them the next day to help them work through their issue. So, here I am driving into their neighborhood and, not being familiar, I was watching closely for their house number. As I got closer to the house with their numbered address, I noticed neighbors gathered outside. Remember, it’s a hot summer afternoon.

“What are they doing?” I wondered.

As I got closer, I noticed they were focused on the house I was going to. I still didn’t get it. It wasn’t until I turned off the engine and opened my car door that I got it. The screaming coming from this house was loud and aggressive sounding. As I headed to the door, the people standing around just looked at me. I could see it in their faces; they were thinking, “Are you crazy? Only a crazy man would go in there!”

Well, that’s me and here I was. I knocked on the door but, of course, they couldn’t hear me over their yelling. I proceeded to pound on the door when all of a sudden it went quiet. In just a few short seconds later, they greeted me at the door with smiles on their faces and acted as though nothing had happened.

I’ve learned a lot since that time about conflict and helping couples work through the issues that pop up in a civil way. In the book of Ephesians, chapter four and verses 25 to 32, we get some great help in how to handle conflict in a civil way. Let me just outline the main ideas gleaned from this passage.

First, be committed to honesty and mutual respect. It’s amazing how a commitment to keeping it honest and mutually respecting each other can shape a conflict for the better.

Second, attack the problem, not the person. Too often, we attack each other rather than the actual problem.

Third, agree to a time that is right to discuss the issue. Forcing a conversation at the wrong time usually only leads to a bigger conflict.

Fourth, keep it positive. Be part of the solution. Offer positive solutions to the problem.

Fifth, keep it tactful. When the voices elevate, it’s a sign that the timing is not right. This is a principle that the couple I mentioned should have practiced.

Sixth, keep it private. Don’t put your dirty laundry out for all to see. Keeping it private is a form of respect.

Lastly, clean up the mess. It’s important to end it well. This involves extending and receiving forgiveness.

Handling conflict civilly can be accomplished if we’ll just apply the steps the Bible outlines for us. Let’s keep it civil.

Learn more at www.newlifeonline.com or follow Steve Lingenfelter on Twitter, @stevOLL.

*reprinted from the Peoria Times