What Language Do You Speak?

In a growing multi-cultural society, communicating with understanding is becoming a challenging issue. We are all experiencing the growing challenge of understanding those who speak a different language. This is true even between married couples.

Have you ever thought as you are trying to communicate with your mate, “What language are you speaking?” Men and women speak a different language. Experts in marriage (is there really such a thing?) tell us that one of the biggest issues that usher conflict into a marriage is a breakdown in communication.

The irony is that communication is to marriage what water is to a plant - it is life-giving. Without the necessary water, a plant will shrivel up and eventually die. It’s just that simple, and this simple principle needs to be applied in marriage.

If it’s that simple, why does it seem so complicated? It’s because men and women don’t speak the same language. In the majority of marriages, men speak a language that comes from the head while women tend to speak a language that comes from the heart. Add to this that some studies show that the average woman speaks roughly 25,000 words a day, while the average man speaks only 12,500.

From a women’s perspective, it’s this need for emotional connection that causes them to fuel an industry that in this country alone, more than ten million romance novels will be purchased. Ninety-seven percent of them will be purchased by women. Men, don’t miss this. As much as it may not be your first language, your partner needs you to learn how to speak from the heart - even if it’s not smooth. You don’t have to be fluent. The mere effort will score you huge points toward winning at the communication game.

Ladies, in the same way, lean into learning the language of your man. Understand that his mind drives most of his communication. Projects and accomplishment often outweigh his focus over relationships. Don’t beat him up over that. Instead, you should leverage it. Show interest in what he’s doing and applaud him for his accomplishments. When a man and a woman learn to appreciate the other’s way of thinking and communicating, a connection happens. It’s the beginning step toward developing a language that makes sense to both of you.

Learning to communicate with your mate will prove to be a lifelong venture. It’s part of learning how to love each other. The more we lean into understanding our mate, the more we lean into each other. Don’t become frustrated if it doesn’t come right away. It’s just part of your journey together.

God made man and woman complex beings with a desire to know each other and experience the strengths that each possesses. Learn to speak the language of your mate and be prepared to experience the oneness that God desires for you in your marriage. What language do you speak? Strive toward the language that communicates love.

Learn more at www.newlifeonline.com or follow Steve Lingenfelter on Twitter, @stevOLL.

*reprinted from the Peoria Times

Love is a Decision

Do you agree with that? Don’t answer too quickly, really think about it.

I’ve found through the years of working with couples who are being challenged by their emotions that this is an important question to answer. With every wedding I perform, I listen and watch couples make commitments to each other and vow to love each other in the good times and the bad. I observe this knowing that for each of them, their vows will be tested.

It’s during a time of testing that how you answer the question - do I believe that love is a decision - becomes vital to whether a couple survives the storm or gets blown away by the winds of emotion.

Emotions are natural. Emotions represent how we feel about something.

Someone once said, “Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are.”

It’s the decisions we make during those emotional storms that determine what we’ll do.

Do you believe that love is a decision? If you do, it means deciding to stay true to your commitment to love, even when you may not feel like it.

I once found myself in a counseling situation with a bride who really challenged this. She felt it was hypocrisy to go against her feelings and decide something that felt counter to what her emotions were saying to her.

Can you see the trouble with that logic? To apply that logic to life is a recipe for many tragic decisions along life’s path. Now, I certainly realize that sometimes no matter how hard we try or how committed we may be, things break and we just can’t fix them. We are a fallen race in a fallen place, and this side of heaven things certainly are not perfect. We all make mistakes and we disappoint people. Oftentimes, it’s the ones who love us the most that we fail and disappoint. We are not talking about perfection. We’re talking about making the best decisions we can, based on a decision to love that isn’t dominated by our emotions in the moment.

Jesus said, “This is my command: Love each other.”

You can’t command emotions. Love is not intended to stem from emotions. It stems from a decision to love and the emotions follow. Aren’t you glad that God chose to love us?

The Bibles tells us, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

That means, even when we are not so lovable, God still chooses to love us. I’m sure Jesus didn’t feel like suffering on the cross for us, but he made a decision to love us - even unto death.

It’s up to you to decide. Will you let your emotions become the ruler of your life or will you decide to live above your feelings and decide to love, even when it may feel counterintuitive? The choice is yours.

Learn more at www.newlifeonline.com or follow Steve Lingenfelter on Twitter, @stevOLL.

*reprinted from the Peoria Times

Orphans and the Church

As the government gets bigger and bigger and takes on more and more responsibility for the people, the church cannot remove itself from the responsibility of caring for orphans.

Regardless of what your political affiliation is, I think we can all agree that the government is not the best at caring for orphans. The governmental systems applied to caring for orphans are stretched and clearly not working. From a biblical standpoint, the government was never sanctioned by God as the care agency for orphans.

The church, by God’s design, is intended to care for orphans.

The Bible says, “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

When it comes to orphans and widows, the church cannot retreat from their distress.

Let’s be honest, the government makes a terrible parent. It’s not that the government has no part to play. It’s just that when it comes to the actual care of orphans, the government is no parent at all. This is a hard issue, and the journey for these kids is incredibly hard.

I was recently introduced to a young man, through one of our families at New Life, who lived his childhood in the foster care system. Before the age of 18, he had been moved to more than 30 homes and several schools. Can you imagine what that was like for him?

Now, as a young adult, he is being assisted by one of the families of our church in an effort to help him get a better start in life. We have several families at New Life who are adopting children and getting certified as foster care parents in an effort to live out what the Bible says and become the parents that the government never can.

Loving orphans shows the heart of God. It’s about caring for the least, last and lost. Without loving, committed parents, so many kids in the system today will simply be lost. The cost to society is great. Even more so, you have never locked eyes on another human being who isn’t loved and valued by God. The church is designed to be God’s representative heart toward humanity. Loving orphans gives the world a glimpse of how God reached out to us in love.

Did you know that if just one in three churches in America adopted just one child from foster care, the problem would be solved? There would be more families waiting to adopt than children waiting to be adopted. On a global level, the issue is especially daunting. But what if the American church became a model to the rest of the world and showed just how doable this is? It means encouraging families in our congregations to consider adopting or becoming foster care parents. Let’s be the parents to orphans that the government can’t be.

Learn more at www.newlifeonline.com or follow Steve Lingenfelter on Twitter, @stevOLL.

*reprinted from the Peoria Times

So, Now What?

Have you ever asked that question? It usually comes after you’ve been challenged by a great message, or you’re just not sure what your next steps should be.

Jesus left no doubt as to what his early followers were to do. On the eve of his crucifixion, Jesus said to his closest followers: “If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given to you. This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” Jesus makes clear what he expected of his early followers and what he expects of us today.

In this passage, we see three characteristics that describe what it means to be a disciple of Jesus. These three characteristics make it clear that you are a follower of Jesus.

The first is that a disciple of Jesus remains. I like to describe what it means to remain by describing it as the “get it” phase of discipleship. A Christ-follower who gets it understands the importance of staying immersed in God’s word. To understand the word of God is to get the mind of God. At this stage, you are beginning to understand the way God thinks about things. This is a growing experience. This side of heaven, we’ll never attain the full understanding of God’s mind.

However, growing through the “get it” phase moves you to the “believe it” phase. This is the characteristic where what we believe moves us to be obedient to what God says. No one can really consistently behave or be obedient to what they don’t believe. On the other hand, if you truly believe something, it moves you to act on that belief. It’s our belief that drives us to “bear much fruit.”

The third characteristic is one that moves beyond how we think or feel to how we live. This is the action phase. A person at this stage of their journey with Christ “lives it.” They are showing that they are a disciple of Jesus by how they live. This person moves beyond simply attending church to living out the word of God by being a disciple who bears fruit. They are on mission with God to reach the least, last and lost. They make Matthew 5:16 in the Bible come alive: “Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.”

A clear indicator of a disciple of Christ is that he/she desires to glorify God. When we let the light of Christ shine through us and people see the goodness of God in us and they praise our Father in heaven - that’s bringing glory to God.

So now what? Let’s take on the challenge of Jesus and show that we “get it, believe it and live it.” Then our hearts will be so aligned with God that we can ask of God knowing that what we ask is his will.

Learn more at www.newlifeonline.com or follow Steve Lingenfelter on Twitter, @stevOLL.

*reprinted from the Peoria Times